Airport Pickup - 1) a binding social contract to pick someone up at the airport 2) a commitment (to pick a someone up at the airport) that someone makes after foolishly betting a friend on something that they have no chance of attaining (ex. a short man betting that he can jump up and touch an awning)
Anti-Dentite - someone who is prejudiced against people of the dental profession
Assman - 1) a Proctologist 2) a person who displays his/her name on vanity license plates.
Astronaut Pen - 1) a pen that is capable of writing from an upside down position 2) a pen that a crabby old man from a retirement community gives to someone, with the hopes of creating nasty gossip, before Degifting the pen
Bad Breaker-Upper - someone who ends a relationship by saying mean things that people don't generally mean - but means them
Bald Paradise - a period of the 1930's when all men wore hats so women wouldn't notice that they were bald or had unattractive hair
Ball Man Experiment - when an out of work, good for nothing, and unlikely candidate for a job as a ball man (boy), gets a job as a ball man (boy) at the US Open Tennis Championships (and injures a top-seeded lady tennis player in the process)
Beef-A-Reeno - a canned pasta dish (similar to Chef Boy-Ar-Dee) that is bought in large cans from warehouse clubs, and then fed to horses, who in turn emit a foul odor
Big Salad (Taking Credit for a) - when a person hands another person a large salad, and takes credit for getting that person a salad, when in reality the person handing over the salad never actually paid for it (someone else did)
Big-Toe Captain, The - a failed comic bit about how the big toe is the captain of the other toes on the foot, written by an out-of-work comic wannabe
Bipartisan Mirror - a mirror that is situated in a clothing store with the intention of making a customer look better than they actually are, when they are trying on clothes
"Bizzaro" Jerry (or any proper name)- 1) the exact opposite of everything that is associated (ie. his/her friends, mannerisms, the layout of his/her apartment, etc.) with a given person 2) when a person (usually a loser) does the exact opposite of everything he/she usually does to realize success (and sometimes failure)
Boombox Incident - when a short, stocky, and balding man takes a teenager's boombox away at the beach for playing it too loudly, and tosses it into the ocean
Break-up By Association - what happens when a man and woman break up, and the man's friends no longer associate with the woman
Breathtaking - what to say about a person (or baby), when trying to be polite (especially when you don't mean it)
Bubble Boy - 1) a foul-mouthed, bratty boy with an Immune Deficiency Blood disorder who must live inside a plastic bubble to keep him in a germ-free environment 2) the same brat who enjoys squashing people at Trivial Pursuit
Buck Naked - what a man might call himself under the following conditions; a) he is trying to convince his mother that he isn't gay, but is a porno actor under that name, b) he is trying to convince his girlfriend that he is gay, so they can break up (only she doesn't believe him, hence he tries to turn her off by telling her that he is a porno actor under that name)
Call-Waiting Face Off - when a person has two people on the telephone line via call-waiting, and has to decide which phone call is more important, and which person should clear the line
Caught in a Pick at the Light - when a person is waiting in their car at a traffic light and decides to scratch the outside of their nose, where it appears (to their date, who just happens to be in the car or cab next to them) that they are actually picking their nose
Cell Phone Walk and Talk - when a person calls to convey their concern (for a friend's sick relative), but callously calls from a cellular phone on the street out of convenience
Certifiably Nice - when a person goes to an extreme to be nice to other people (ex. taking members of the older generation to a museum or theater)
Chucker - a person who never passes the ball on a basketball court, but always hogs the ball and shoots
Cleaner - a person with an extremely voracious appetite who can be depended on to polish off (eat) an enormous amount of unwanted muffin stumps
Close Talker - one who speaks to a person at point blank range (usually with both peoples' noses less than a foot away from the other)
Coffee Table Book, The (About Coffee Tables) - 1) a book that illustrates the coffee tables of famous celebrities, and is meant to be kept on one's coffee table 2) the same book with fold out legs so it can be used as a coffee table
Comedians' Revenge - when a comedian, who has been heckled by a member of the audience, takes revenge on that person by going to their place of work and heckles them back
Compact jeans- denim jeans designed for petite figures ("Only people with small rear ends should be allowed to wear compact jeans", according to a certain warped stand-up comedian)
Covenant of the Keys - when a neighbor is
entrusted with a set of keys in case one gets
locked out of their apartment. The covenant
provides the following ;
1) thou shalt not use the keys to obtain food
from thy neighbors' refrigerator
2) thou shalt not use thy neighbors' bathroom
unless first asking permission (even if yours
is broken)
3) thou definitely shalt not be in thy
neighbors' apartment when said neighbor is
bringing home a date
4) if thy covenant is broken, then the
offending party must pack up his/her
belongings and move to California where
he/she will probably end up being accused of
murder (see The Ten Commandments )
Curse Toast - when a petty, stupid person gives a best man's toast and inundates it with vile curse words, prompting the schmuck to be thrown out of the reception by the bride's father
Date Implied, A - when a man/woman knows that it is a given that he/she has a definite date (without having to ask) on a certain day of the week with the person that he/she is seeing
Dating Loophole - 1) when a man intentionally loses a dinner bet to a woman so that he can avoid actually asking her out on a date (this way he can avoid possibly being rejected) 2) any time a man takes a woman out to dinner and/or a movie without formally asking her for a date
Deaf Date - when one person is fixed up with another person, has seen that person's picture, but has never spoken to him/her
Deep Fried in Chocolate Sauce - a figure of speech to use when accusing someone of collaborating with someone else who appears to have a grudge against a fast food restaurant, but secretly likes their food (grammatical ex. "You wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce")
Degift - 1) to take back a gift that was previously given to someone (such as Super Bowl tickets) 2) an Indian giver
Delicate Genius - 1) a highly touted professional (such as a doctor or lawyer) who would not think of talking business outside of business hours 2) a doctor who would charge a patient for a visit if they did not show up (and did not call to cancel), yet would not think twice about going skiing on a day that that doctor had a full schedule of appointments
Double-Dipping - when a person dips a snack chip into a dip, takes a bite, and then dips again with the same bitten chip ("it's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!!!")
Drake, The - 1) everybody's mutual friend 2) a friend that drives everyone to a point of resentment (ex. by accepting an engagement gift, then breaking off the engagement and keeping the gift)
Dry Cleaner's Code, The - a code of ethics
that a dry cleaning proprietor must follow.
They are ;
1) thou shalt not wear a customer's clothing
(sport jackets and fur coats included) out on
the town
2) the dry cleaning business is not a
personal closet for either the dry cleaner or
his wife
3) tis a damned fool to borrow a customer's
sport jacket and leave a movie ticket stub in
the pocket
4) beware of angry golfers/customers who
suffered a penalty stroke earlier in the day
Executive, The - a beltless and loopless trenchcoat or raincoat
Face Painter - 1) when an avid sports fan paints his/her face to show support for their favorite team 2) an avid New Jersey Devil's fan who scares the wits out of Priests with their painted face and shouting "Go Devils" in the street
Femininas - a term for beautiful women at the beach who are condom worthy (the opposite of sponge worthy)
Festivus - a make believe holiday made up by a bitter, bickering head of a family, who uses the holiday as his/her vehicle to attack those (and their employers) close to him
519 - Los Angeles police lingo used as a code word for when someone is being suspected of breaking into an automobile [especially for people who a) look like they used to have a pet black bear on a TV show, b) are scraggly looking yet are generous tippers to chambermaids, c) think Ann Landers sucks, and d) turn out to be mass-murderers]
Flagged - 1) a book (usually an expensive one) that cannot be returned or offered for charity because it was read in the bathroom while performing number two 2) a toilet book
Forbidden City -1) a place where a socially unacceptable, short, stocky bald man might go to meet gorgeous (model caliber) women 2) a place where attractive women hang out that also doubles as a meat-packing plant
Fudge Distribution - the idea that one should eat a sundae from the bottom up (knowing full well that the fudge drips to the bottom), so that there is an even amount of fudge and ice cream eaten in every bite
Fusilli Jerry - 1) a model of comedian Jerry Seinfeld that was made out of Fusilli pasta 2) something that a Proctologist occasionally takes out of one's rear end
Germophobe - a person who is very susceptible to another person's germs, and is very fanatical about it (especially against people who sleep around, rub certain body parts against computer keyboards, or prepare dinner while simultaneously taking a shower)
Get Out - what a super-tough woman might say to her friends in complete surprise (while at the same time shoving them to the ground)
Giddyap - 1) what a cowboy would say to a horse to get it to start walking 2) what a tall man with funny hair says when excited, instead of "All Right" or "Cool, Man"
Gortex - a material which makes up a very heavy winter coat that would make one look like the Michelin Tire man
Grace - 1) what people say at the dinner table to give thanks for their food 2) a certain nice quality about a person, much like Jackie Onassis 3) what to tell an employee that they have in order to get them to do menial labor (such as sharpening pencils, getting their mail, or getting them cotton socks)
Hand Fruit - a type of fruit which is normally eaten out of a person's hand, such as; apples, pears, Hampton Tomatoes, or onions (for people who are nearsighted) Having Hand - 1) having the upper hand in a relationship 2) needing your hand when you don't have any relationship
Head-First Parker - 1) a person who tries to pull into a parking space head first as opposed to backing into the space 2) a person who pulls into a parking space head first with the intention of screwing someone else out of the space
Hello Newman - a typical greeting to a pudgy and extremely irritating person for whom one really does not want to talk to
High Talker - 1) a man with a very high voice 2) a man who gives the impression of being a woman over the telephone
Hipster Doofus - 1) a tall, lanky, goofball who suggests to his/her friends that they should park in a handicap spot, knowing full well that it is wrong 2) the same goofball who is dumped by a handicapped woman for being (you guessed it) a Hipster Doofus
Home-Bed Advantage - the confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings
"I Love You" Return - when a person in a relationship says "I Love You to his/her significant other and gets an "I Love You, Too" in return
"I think it moved" - 1) what a man (who has doubts about his sexuality) might say after reluctantly getting a massage from another man, and after the masseuse accidentally touches the private area - 2) what a short bald man may say after eating fresh food.
"It Didn't Take" - a twerpy man's explanation for his ex-girlfriend's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism that he drove her to
It Girl, The - the girl/woman in school that everyone wants to date
It's Not You, It's Me - what a grown man, who is unemployed and living with his parents, would say to his girlfriend if she ever wondered where she (or their relationship) went wrong
Jerk Store - a phrase that is used as part of a put-down by a naive person who can't think of any better put-downs to use (ex. "The Jerk Store called, and they said that they ran out of you")
Jimmy Legs (or Arms) - what a man or woman has when they thrash about in bed and strike their sleeping partner, causing the couple to separate into twin beds (see "I Love Lucy")
Kavorka, The - a Latvian Orthodox phrase which means "the lure of the animal", which usually can be cured with a garlic necklace
Key Brothers - friends who exchange each others' apartment or house keys, with the provisal that they follow the key covenant (see Covenant of the Keys)
Kibosh - 1) when someone (wearing a motorcycle helmet, no less) gets karate-kicked in the head by a crazed individual 2) when three thugs get the crap beaten out of them for picking a fight with a crazed individual, who is dressed like a clown and headed to the opera "Pagliacci"
Kiss Hello - a very annoying habit that some people have of kissing a person as part of an informal hello greeting (especially women with funny looking hairdos)
Latvian Orthodox - 1) a Protestant branch of Christianity where the congregation is predominantly of Latvian descent 2) a religion in which the priest or minister wears a funny trapezoidal shaped hat on his/her head during a service 3) a religion in which they ask people to wear garlic necklaces to make themselves unattractive to clergy people of the Latvian Orthodox
Leave Behind, The - when an unattractive, confidence-lacking man, leaves something behind at his date's house, hoping that he'll have a reason to go back to her house and ask for another date
Level Jumping (on a friendship) - when casual acquaintances attempt to become better friends with certain acquaintances (ex. asking an acquaintance to be a godparent to one's child/children)
Library Cop - a gung ho, hardened former police officer who is deputized as a library law enforcer by the NY Public Library, and chases down library delinquents (especially if their book was overdue in excess of 20 years)
Little Kicks - a horrendous dance performed by a seemingly attractive woman, in which she completely turns off coworkers and friends alike
Look to the Cookie - the theory that a black and white cookie could create racial harmony among the different races in the human race
Low Talker - 1) a woman who speaks in a very
low (sometimes sub-sonic) voice 2) a woman
who speaks in a low, inaudible tone in order
to trick some-body into wearing a funny
looking shirt on a nationally televised talk
show
Macaroni Midler - a figurine of Bette Midler
made out of wavy macaroni (similar to
"Fusilli Jerry")
Magic Loogie - when someone spits at someone
else in contempt, and the following happens;
the spit hits the first person, then makes a
right turn in midair (mind you) and hits a
second person in the shoulder, causing
him/her to drop their baseball cap
Man-hands - 1) a very attractive woman who
has very masculine hands 2) a woman who
possesses brute strength in her hands so she
can break open a lobster barehanded, or break
a man's wrist for going into her pocketbook
Manziere - a bra created for older men who
have excess flab in the upper chest area and
give the appearance of having breasts
Massage Tease - a masseuse who refuses to
give massages to their boyfriend/girlfriend,
yet would not think twice about having sex
with them or giving massages to strangers
Matzo Ball - 1) a dumpling made out of matzo
meal that is served in chicken soup for
Passover 2) what a person feels like after
saying "I Love You" to another person and not
getting the "I Love You" Return
Mimbo - 1) a male bimbo 2) an Italian stud
who has bad luck rock climbing
Moops - the name of the ethnic group of
people who invaded Spain in the 8th century,
according to a Trivial Pursuit misprint (they
are called "Moors" according to Webster's
Dictionary)
Moses Smell the Roses - an exclamation that
someone makes when they witness a person
about to shave with butter, and then proceeds
to sunbathe in it as well
Mulva - what to call your current girlfriend
if you can't remember her name
Must-Lie Situation - when a person feels that
they cannot tell the truth to someone else
for fear of offending them (ex #1 calling
one's baby "Breathtaking", ex #2 not being
able to tell someone that their hairdo is
pre-1960's or just plain hideous)
Nip - a nickname given to a woman who has
Christmas cards with her picture printed up,
but doesn't realize that one of her nipples
is exposed in the picture
Non-Pony Country - 1) a country where people
in general do not own ponies 2) a country
where young whipper-snappers insult elderly
people who previously owned a pony as a child
Non-Sexual Crush - when a non-cool person has
platonic infatuation for a cool person
(usually a stud) of the same sex
"Not that there's anything wrong with it" - a
phrase that people usually say about
homosexuality, after denying that they
themselves are homosexuals
Opening the Vault - 1) telling someone
someone else's secret 2) spilling the beans
Pig-Man - 1) half man, half pig 2) a short
bald mental patient with a pinkish complexion
(ex. Elmer Fudd), who tends to grunt or
squeal alot
Pimple Popper, M.D. - a putdown for a
Dermatologist who gives the illusion that
he/she actually saves lives
Pre-Emptive Break-up - when a man anticipates
that his girlfriend is going to break up with
him, so he breaks up with her first (so that
he can have hand)
Pretend Marriage - when a man and a woman
pretend that they are married in order to get
discounts on their dry cleaning
Public Fornicator - a porno actor/actress,
who sometimes goes by the name Buck Naked
Puffy Shirt, The - 1) a funny looking white
shirt with ruffles in the front, and puffy
looking long sleeves, similar to what pirates
would wear 2) what to wear when being a guest
on a TV talk show
Put In, The - the length of time one has to
keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison
Putting Something in the Vault - promising
someone to keep something a secret
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